another half year has past, i have changed alot since. things are never the same as before. i could be said to be quite out to most people now. i am living life as usual. i took up water polo and swimming for the past couple of months. i am surprised that i am so passionate about going for the trainings. it has not happened to me for a long time. one thing that i changed is that i am no longer able to reflect on things that i do properly. it is random but i think i am now sucked into the world of pleasure. everything seems to evolved around it. now i am going to start my life again. i used to have crushes on people but now it seems to have disappeared. i no longer know what to look for in a relationship. i am figured that i am now looking for something random something short term than quality. i do not know what has happened but definitely something is wrong. i guessed i should now be looking back and finding back who i was and who i will be and am. the world i am now introduced to has fewer miracles but i do believe that i will find it. may be it will be a month, year or even years who knows. after all i am 19 going 20 this year. i should worry more on my career than anything like this. although i have the urged to fall in love but guess i patience is what i need. i need someone to like who i am and not superficial needs. though no doubt that it plays a part but hope that is not the only thing that the person sees in me.
anyways, still training my water polo..
but at least i found myself able to float for a longer time and able to throw the ball which i am quite proud of.
honestly looking forward to have a nicer body, probably should take care of what i eat but just can't resist on the temptations.
any will keep this update if anything goes.
oh one more thing before i go, i am also frustrated about not able to look for a housemate.
as the saying goes it is easy to be friends but never easy to live with them. guess friends are out of my consideration. so now the problem would be either getting someone from uni or off the streets. geez troublesome.
3 assignments due this week none are done, gonna get screwed by my team mates better get back to work now.
off.

lost, confused, depress, lonely.

pressured i am, an invisible force pressing harder and harder, unbreathable ... gasping

holiday is short yet i feel that it is ages. nothing matters no more.

getting stronger yet weaker by soul. will i get through this? milions of questions yet to be answered...

long waiting, it is only day 8.

off

it is really a blink of an eye that time flies quickly. another half year has passed. i have been through a lot of things since the past 6 months. there are indeed lots of hard times but there are happy ones too. learn to see things more in depth.
recently, i have been really busy looking for part time jobs. it all started on the day that i went to a business luncheon. heaps of people in suit and tie. talked to them about career prospective and came to realise that vacation job nor part time jobs are catered for international students unless i am a permenant resident.
really unhappy with my friends. well something that i have also learnt is to be alone. there are so many things that have changed. i see close friends who are no longer close anymore. there are a few things i hate about some of my friends:
1) Do not recharge their handphone when there is no credit
* who the fuck you think you are man, fucking miss call people and expect people to call u back?
2) Do not reply SMS or phone call
* how much can one fucking sms cost you?!! why the fuck not reply? never fucking even take the initiative to make a reply!
3) Expect you to treat them
* friends are supposed to fucking understand friends not fucking take advantage of your friend. this is fucking wrong!
4) Pay some respect to your friend
* if your friend invites u to his birthday, you fucking come even if you are not free you should NEVER EVER say depends on others! what the fuck you thinking? this aint others' birthday it is MINE! fucking shit u, dickhead cant think?!
5) Keep your friends secret safe
* since you promised to keep it a secret then fucking keep it! what the fuck a secret can be spread?! what kind of fucking friend are you! what the fucking mind you have? cant you fucking think for awhile before you say any thing???!
6) Share
* i am not saying that you should share every bits of things with your friends but at least when you think that it might benefit your friend. NOT fucking keep it to yourself for your fucking benefit. what the fucking selfish idea it is not to share!
There are people been telling me what the fucking shit friends i have, but i still believe in you all. until recently that i totally gave up!
I believe i can do it, give them time to grow while you are away. really hope that they all can grow up abit and thinK!
recently, i have been studying java programming. really though concept on two classes. hope to go through it soon. now on the project for organisational process hope to be able to pay a visit to the company to see how they operate cos i don't think that i have been to any.
okay i am gotta sleep now 9.30 class 2moro.
cheers, blessed u + me (:
zkai

wat is all this about?

sometimes, i just wonder... i think this is gonna soon be my favorite sentence. i think i did think about this before... so what if i could read the future? does it gonna make a difference? when we say that fate lies in our hand, is it real? sometimes i really get so frustrated for not able to know what is going to happen next. will life be less miserable if you can predict? i really dun know...
i pull my blinds open, looking at this world, people are so small yet they make such a big difference to the world. human brain is such a complex thing. i was once told by my friend that i should not think too much. but somethings really i have kept to myself that i dint tell you all, not that i do not trust you all, in fact somethings i told you all that i didn't even told my parents. it is just that i am too scared to face things. i am really a timid person. i admit. sometimes i just do not know who i really am? i seem to feel that i have lived in a world of my own. may be thats the reason why i felt so lonely. how i wish i could just say to you ... but i couldn't! i am really suffocating! i need air to breath! how could someone born on the same date, time varies a little be so different? i sometimes just hated myself. i used to hit things when i am angry. but i realized that who suffers later? isn't me going to be the one? someone has once predicted that my brother and i will live far apart from each other. in fact to think of it now, isn't it real? has the person just saw my future? i will really want to meet the person. but i just don't know where to look for the person. i really wish to know something more about myself.
i always have this thinking that although it may be good to listen to advice, but i just couldn't let myself follow the way it is. i just like to be hit by obstacles. i know a lifetime is not enough for me, and i am not any hardworking person, but yet i still try. i never want to try to be different, cause i am already different. in fact i feel so lonely to be different. no one is by my side! i do not want pity but accompany. sometimes, i feel so lost. i was once so passionate about my course but as i think further now. it is not really a course that will going to work out well in the society. so much about IT and managing people business,zzZ. kelvin has already told me before that this course is half commerce and half IT. yea i thought so, but what happens is that you will stuck between the two groups of people. yea you are the bridge, so what? you are not knowledgeable enough to be any side. i am again fell into a category of distinct. no one is with me again.
yes indeed i have to be strong, everyone is standing by their feet. but you all have friends to be with. to cry and laugh. i am not saying that i do not have friends. but just that my friends could not share my frustration cause i am different from them in the first place. all i need now i think is just a mere reflection and time to cool myself down. think and rethink. friends i need you all!
sighs forget it i think no one will hears...
all about me,
Zk@!

touched

it was such a boring day, but pretty luck one...
It was a cold and sunny morning. I went online to check out the results of my PBL test. I got a H2B... It was not that bad, at least thats what i thought. However, i do think that i can do much better than that. so here i am trying to set myself a goal. I should not be so ambicious now, may be trying to get a H1 at least for the next test?
scott and dougles asked me to join them for the free bbq at the flagstaff gardent this afternoon. i was quite reluctant to go though, but later that i felt that i have been asking them out so often and that they have keep my accompany, for this once i should follow them and be their accompany. well, in the end we only passed by there and did not actually join them. reason was just because the people seem so boring standing there doing nothing at all.
later then dougles and scott decided to go to the library, but i felt that i did not bring any books nor prepared anything so going there is just going to waste my time, so i went to KFC to had wicked wings while they go to the library to meet whoever they want. oh by the way, dougles aim to the library was not to study but to look for someone... so that was another reason that i thought i shouldn't go. i finished my wings and looked at the catalogues while i wait for their return to go lygon for ice-cream. but soon i felt lonely and boring so i called dougles to check where they were. i told him to be quick and go, at that moment he said okay. but later he called, this time i knew that he won't be coming anymore or rather will be another 20 mins or so. i decided to call off the meeting and headed home. i wasted my whole afternoon doing nothing. i came home and talked to my mum. i also watched a few chapters of drama named " a liter of tears".
this movie is really touching. it draws out the strength of a person who suffers from an uncureable disease. it questions the society. it shows how a person could be so weak. i was indeed touched by the movie. this movie is actually adapted from a real person. the photos of this little girl was played at the end of each series. looking at the photos i was again moved by the courage that she had when she faced this world, this society.
there is this sentence that caught my attention: doctors are not god, they are just human who could only distinguish disease. they may seem strong yet they are weak. upon fighting against this deadly sickness, they could not do anything. this sickness is very cruel. it does not damage ur brain cells but your nerve cells. early stage, the person will have difficulty in movement. while later stages the person will be paralyse, cant eat and eventually leads to deathness.
life is short, time passes really fast. live the fullest that we can each day with no regret.
today, i felt emptiness, spending the whole evening having my dinner alone. only manage to cal xin ju at night and went out to have supper. it was so lucky i got a free BMI check on the machine. came home after that and i am infront of my computer now. here i am trying hard to write this entry to note down every little thing, every little thought i have...
p.s. i think my writing skills have deproved a lot need to buck up!
nitess
zk@!

stress

tomorrow is my PBL test!! so stress. rushed home to do revisions. there are so many things to study wha...seriously doomed! after the test tomorrow i will be relieved! but thinking of finishing the test means i will have nothing to do after that. seriously boring life. lack of knowledge...
i really do not know of what to blog today. i have encountered so many things. i have sat down to think of so many things. i reflected! that is the most interesting thing i would say which i have done today. to think of law, it is so scary. there are so many ways of which you can actually argue. knowing the law is definitely a no regret for anyone. reading the case is a pleasure. you seriously gain knowledge from reading the case studies. you will also soon get to know that so many things are happening around you. there are so many alternative point of views on just a single thing. today i talked about fear. i just dun understand why i have fear of my past...
i am so afraid to go back to the past. looking at the things i had, sometimes give me an unpleasant feeling. may be i am just sacred to lose what i am having now. may be i should know when to let go? am i afraid of falling down? i know that my life will not be a smooth journey. it is also when it is bumpy that i learn something, and so will my life be as colorful. have i made myself too comfortable? sometimes i just wonder what my life would be when i graduate...
so many things are waiting ahead of me, for me to discover, yet i am timid to face. may i be blessed with courage to face the reality, be it happy or not, i shall do my best...
well, i have to go to bed now. wish me all the best for the exam k! thanks cya!

weird weather

had a weird nightmare... if u ask me what the dream is about, i seriously couldn't recall. of all i know is that i woke up in really scared feeling. weird... had a really long day full of lectures and tutorials. i soon found that studying this course is not that hard after all. may be is about the scoring part, i have actually started to enjoy this course. something random that i thought today, i have always wanted to become a doctor, it is really a pleasure to see people recover and carry their smiles around. unfortunately, i am not any hard working person nor anyone with a photographic memory, so i could not get the medicine course which i have actually wanted to get into. although it was disappointing, but to think of it, it may be a bless? may be i am really not prepared to give the commitment that a doctor should have? and since i am already studying this course i would rather think that i should just focus on this subject than on other things. since i cant be a doctor to heal people directly, i would want to be a doctor who could heal computer and heal the gap between people and the real information system that the society has been lacking in. nothing big and fancy though, just a little wish i had. even so knowing the fact that there are so many people who are actually more knowledgeable than me.
test is drawing so near, PBL very interesting subject... i do not know if i could possibly score well for it. really ought to buck up on my accounting too.
btw i went to union house this morning, was thinking of posting a note on leasing the study to someone, but realise it was too crapy. so decided to take it home to write and repost it to the board. wish me luck in finding a good roommate...
*nitez
ZK@!

cold

dint really want to wake myself up this morning. it is so cozy in my bed. the weather is perfect, though a little cold. i like it ver much anywayz. well in the afternoon i cooked porrige for my friend who is sick to eat. as we were chit chatting he told me something that caught my attention. i came to realise that i wasnt the only one who broke the glass that the owner has provided. he told me that his brother has already broken a plate and a glass. they were seriously too fragile. the glass especially! just toppled over on the table, pieces has it become. i found myself so glad that i have only broken a glass and not a plate, but i have a wierd feeling telling me that i have to be careful of the plates or i could most probably end up like my friend's brother. and what happened next is quite predictable...In the late evening, i was thinking of grilling a hoki fish for dinner, so i took out a plate and before putting into the oven i took a look at the bottom of the plate where it is written-"microwave,dishwasher and conventional oven safe" .great i thought. walked away leaving my fish to be cooked...10mins past...opened the oven to have a look at the fish and found... a broken plate! WOW amazing! i have been so careful in handling the plates and now it broke itself without even needing me to touch it. great! now i have the same amount of things broken as my friend's brother. i dun even noe how am i going to compensate them...zzzZ.
one of my friend asked me today, why dint you blog last year? where have all your entries been? well, the answer is that i have i have not blogged much even i did it is in my draft which i am not going to publish. why? because i think it is just too personal those messages are. there are a lot of things happened last year. just too many and too private that i would rather keep to myself then to anounce to the world.
after such a long time that i dint blog, start to realise that i seem to have deproved a lot in my writing skills. not only that i found nothing to write, but i have also realised that my english is broken and hard to understand.
dint do much of the readings today. even though scheduled to do my PBL this afternoon, as exam is approaching this friday but i just too lazy i think. i just feeling very bored even knowing that there are so many things to be done. sometimes i just wondered, why do i always like to escape from the reality? am i timid? am i just being lazy? i have really no idea...
there are definitely cartain emotions running through my mind but i just couldn't figure out what they are.
sometimes i dun noe why but just felt very irritated. no matter what i do, i just felt wrong...
who cares anyway...
life goes on...
so be it, nitezzz
zk@!

Hi

Hi there! it has already been a year past since i have touched this blog. there are lots of things happened in the past one year. did i even say that i have come to melbourne since last year? well, guess what??! time flies! it is my first year in university now. it was indeed a long and tough journey to where i am today. i was grateful that along this journey i have met friends. friends that shared feelings and grow together. to become who i am today. learnt to handle feelings as i grow. also learnt that becoming a teenager is never easy. emotions are so complex that it could affect a person so much. besides, i have also realised how important it is to know when to let go and what to let go. now i am reflecting on what i am doing this year that passed. indeed i have not done so for a long time. something struck me today, is planning a good thing? what happened if your life is planned? is that supposed to be good? living in a world of happiness without experiencing the real cruelty of the actual world? everything is in order, wouldnt that be too boring? if you cant control your life who could then be?

it is a boring day today. watched apocalypto in the evening. it is a terribly disgusting movie of all that i have seen. violent yea indeed violent. nothing to do after the movie. saw my friend blogging so decided to reblog again. in fact i have actually wanted to start blogging since the start of the year. just feeling to jot down every single thing that happened in my every usual day. may be in the future when i cant remember a thing, yet this blog is still present where i could reminisce whenever i feel like it.

well, nothing much to say though, so better go to sleep then.

nitezzZ

zk@!

Hi there well indeed it has been more than two months did i updated this little blog of mine. was persuaded my jiamin to update my blog yesterday nite. well here it is my little comment on what happen today. received a letter from the Singapore chinese calligraphy society this morning, letter states that i have been selected to go into the finals! could you believe it! haha my calligraphy could get into the finals competing among the other people of the entire singapore! well, whether i would be winning a prize is still an unknown. however i will try my best! i really hope that i can show my friend and family members that my calligraphy is not that bad! haha! talking about my studies in the past two months was a tragic! i failed my physics and got only an E and a D respectively for my maths and computing. got to really work hard on these two subjects or i would be forced to retain! so now i am working towards my promotional exam. hopefully i could clear my physics as well...that's all! cya
gd NitE
Zk@!

SCHOOL! finally haiz school reopened...most of the schools now are having their common test, well as for me just had my general paper last thursday and that's it no more exams! well, could i consider myself to be lucky? however the worst is yet to come...my common test has not actually been cancelled but it was postponed! it falls on the date 11th of august! argh!!! shit!! this really sux! my lovely august is GONE!!! what is next my promo is not shifted! that means we have only got roughly two months to prepare for our promo! haiz just my luck... well got to go! piles of homework is yet to be done>.< anyway just changed my web key due to unauthorised entry of strangers...okay cya soon^^bb
sincerely
K@|

well, i have been doing my homework as well as learning to play guitar for the entire day! gosh learning guitar is so difficult. fingers are not listening to my command either plucking the wrong string or plucking two keys together>.< such a retard i am...haiz. well, do think that learning piano seems to be easier:D
just wander whether to change room or not it is really a difficult decision to make. the reason i do not want to spell out. but those who know me would have known. anyway doesnt matter la just let it rest at the bottom of my mind first we shall see how it goes...
really ought to buck up school reopens in just 2 days!!!

gp common test today. well as usual the comment for my gp is i think i failed. though it is always said to be inauspicious to say you failed all the times but fact is just fact and is undeniable. well, today's life is just as dull and uninteresting nothing much to say though, just drop by to jot something or my blog would be left empty for somedays. well, school reopening in just two days away! sigh time flies too quickly how i wished i have school days just like my holidays? how i wished i do not need to wake up so early and every day had to catch the bus. oh by the way, homework for the holidays could pile up to the sky cause i have not finished a single yet-.- so long eh and yet not a single has been done. ought to catch up>.<. as for now i am doing my maths hope to finish by tomorrow? good luck to me man!

phew...at last i have finished reconstructing my blog. how was it? do u like this new face lift?? i hope it would be seen to be nicer than the previous one^^.it took me almost a day to manage the codes cause i am a html illiterate>.< know nothing about the codes... that's y i am so tired after i had finished this little blog of mine...anyway nothing interesting has happened just know that school is reopening soon. sigh...well time flies! so fast that it is coming to an end. got to catch up my homework before it is too late...oright nightzZ >.^
oh before i forgot god bless all who are taking their exams *2day?* ^^ good luck my dear seniors!
sincerely
K@|

the outing to sentosa has turned out into a success. though not the whole class came, i do feel that it is enough to be called as a gathering. spent the entire afternoon and evening at the beach. this is the first time i have actually played games with my friends at the beach. it was fun and of course tiring. went to yoshinoya for dinner. the food wasn't that great as to compared to the last one i ate. i think it is mainly because this special outlet here is not nice. no wonder there arent anyone eating there when we went there.
it was really fun and interesting to meet up with your old classmates or rather old friends of yours. i found that it is a completely new feeling as compared to that which we used to seeing each other every day in school.though we know that we are still the old ones we used to be but something inside us have changed. has it due to the fact that we have grown up? or it is just because now that we are living in two different world and not felt close anymore? again this is an unknown to me.
i suddenly felt that seeing each other is not a good thing. it is said to be a bless that we are able to meet each other however life would be just bored and nothing interesting. your life journey would be as dull and uninteresting. you wouldnt have felt you are missing someone. you wouldnt have known the feeling of reunion with your long lost friend...
i really had fun today! i missed all of u! i really don't know when will be the next time we meet and i know it would be long till we meet but i have these photos with me that is enough...may god bless all of u;)
niteZ
sincerely
K@|

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